Pain Relief Punster Pillows

"When I put the liniment on, that's when I really feel the burn!"

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Sweep the board.

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

"I got ninety-nine problems, but a birch ain't one!"

Dogs life

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

"These are my fish cymbalta, otezla, skyrizi, vraylar and stelara!"

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

Some unusual family photographs decorate podiatrist's desk.