Overzealous Fan Pillows

'Oh, don't even think about living life vicariously through me!'

I've been working 20 hours a day. Well, that leaves you four hours to get to work.

'Doorbell. Must be the sitter.'

A man imagines he looks like a farmer on a tractor on a ride-on mower and

Bob hated working over-time.

Football Boomerang.

Well, no wonder the natives are restless. They're worshipping an espresso machine!

"He's two onths old and already drooling at a four-month-old level."

The Sports Fanatic

Health and Safety Gone Mad - "It doesn't look safe, his face is totally exposed to danger."

'Please excuse my mother, this is my first interview.'

"Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with a nanny state."

"He wasn't specific. His last message just said, play it safe - whatever that means."

'Hello and welcome to the stupidly hyperbolic awards.'

'I was an overachiever.'

Took a tiny nothing molehill and created this huge, amazing mountain

'We were thinking of building something a little subtle this time... haha, just kidding, make it horrible.'

"Hard work, determination, success!"

Wife says: 'Very festive, but I can't seem to find the door.'

"It's gonna be hard for my kid to have type 2 diabetes. He's used to being number 1."

This is the love of my life....

Chutzpah, $1.

'Dinner's been over for three hours, but Mom keeps jumping back in the frying pan.'

'Look, quit making excuses. You're in kindergarten now. If you ever hope to see grade one, you gotta buckle down.'

"Since 1954, I've lost five sets of keys, eleven wallets, nine pairs of gloves, and thirty-two ball-point pens. Has any of that stuff ever turned up?"