Oven Observer Pillows

'Maybe it's one of those super-stations.'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'As I see it, our choices are 'no' and 'hell no'.'

"Lately, I've been trying to spend less time staring at the glowing orb."

'Whatever it is, you've got it bad and that ain't good.'

"What should we do with this extra part?"

"I'm more of an 'I like to watch' dog."

Gone to seed.

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

'He's so fast he has to stop to clean the insects off his glasses.'

"You didn't post anything on social media today. So, the church sent someone over to witness miracle."

'I like it!'

'How can you be so cheap?'

Oculist.

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

"Good lord! Four of my dearest Facebook friends died last week!"

If a tweet is sent out and no one signs up to read it, does it exist? Happens millions of times a day.

"It's not what you do, it's what people see that counts"

Regional manager Dan Blunquist introduces a disgruntled employee to his new open-door policy.

'I can't believe it. Wagner just must be better than he sounds!'

"I'm sick of Mr. Rod complaining about me behind my back...especially when he does it right to my face!"

"I feel like Brunnhilde, but in 'The Kentucky Cycle.'"

"I was called, I was chosen - I was sacked."

'Is your holiday really necessary ?...Your company first!'

"It's 6 o'clock. Do you know what's trending now?"

"No, there's nothing wrong. I just took a shortcut through the onions."

Modeste Mussorgsky.

John panics as he realizes being first to put money in the offering means people will know how much he gave.

"That's nonsense! Just seeing a black cat means nothing! Now if it crosses your path on a moonlit evening, then, whoa baby, watch out!"

Betty's Ex, Ray, Glasses.

A lumberjack chops down a tree

"If owls are so smart, how come they don't already now who it is?"

'I do wish you would stop asking for change back when they pass the plate.'

'Good memory. Now turn around and let's try it again. I've put the chart on the opposite wall since your last visit.'