Orthopedic Humorist Pillows

Please use other doorman.

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Ice Cream Surgeon

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Lactose Intolerant

"The first one's just a warning."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

PSA Banter.

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

We did a biopsy on the mole we removed, and it turns out it was just an old piece of chocolate.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"If we carry them home we’ll get at least one workout."

Cardiac Recovery.

"It's a new work-out video. It shows a mother chasing after three little children all day."

Vlad the Inhaler

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'