Organizational Critic Gifts

Input (not yours) and Output (only mine).

"Of course we'll give you a choice. Would you prefer to lose your job to outsourcing or to robotic automation?"

Executive board meeting discussing new training strategy.

'What do you mean I'm not available?'

No way am I leaving!

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'That's our mission statement.'

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

'What kind of a mission statement is that?'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"I think he's overreacting a little when it comes to controlling his employees."

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"