Optimistic Humorist Pillows

'There is not a thing that medical science can do for you. Have you tried 'wishful thinking'?'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'