Opinionated Gourmet Pillows

"Harold, please -- the wine steward is entitled to his opinion, too."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

Haute Chinese

Join me for dinner?

"I bet you can't name one person who makes a better lengua casserole than me!"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Avocado Timeline

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

Cut out and keep your own Chef

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

"You know they're trying too hard when the chef's special is Corn Dogs Bordelaise."

'It's an acquired taste!'