Opinionated Gourmet Pillows

"Harold, please -- the wine steward is entitled to his opinion, too."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

Haute Chinese

Join me for dinner?

"Waiter... my entrée fell over."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"I bet you can't name one person who makes a better lengua casserole than me!"

Avocado Timeline

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

"This meal tastes just like dog crap!"

'Good thing you ordered a double portion.'

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

Cut out and keep your own Chef

Writer and his Muse on a cookout.

"You see, I don't believe in eating fast. I believe in savoring. I....hey, stop looking at my food!"

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"Sorry about the delay, sir. The manager is interviewing chefs at this very moment."

"Whatever is quickest - I'm starving!"

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"When Picasso was hungry he would swap a painting for a meal. Times change. I am a celebrity chef..."

"You know they're trying too hard when the chef's special is Corn Dogs Bordelaise."

'It's an acquired taste!'