Ointment Over-users Pillows

"Stop using the ointment."

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"Round and round the cauldron we go, in the exfoliating toner I throw."

"Well what does the GPS say?"

"Don't open me, you fool!"

"You'll love this model, sir! You won't have to miss any of the sports action when you go for a beer!"

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

'It's been murder since it was announced that eyes of newt might be a cancer cure.'

Spooning

'We must have everything... this is all that's left!'

'I married him because he made my feet tingle when we played footsie. Turns out it was neuopothy.'

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm the guy who invented CliffsNotes."

Some days Ted's head would get stuck for hours.

2001: A Space Odyssey - Updated

Ugggghhh....eye of newt's off!

When pedants take a break.

'So what if she only brew a few cases a year. We can still do business.'

What passes today for 'nose in a book'.

"Thank you for waking me up from the witch's curse! Can you hand me my phone?"

'The good news is Prof. Trockenficker has found the secret of eternal youth. The bad news is it will make everybody look exactly like him.'

'You got sticky notes.'

"It's quite alright searching for the perfect phone. But remember there always will be upgrades."

Happy Student.

I said: Get me a @#$% coffee! You're healed. What saved you? I was watching the news and I saw you - on my tv - spending the night to buy a new iPhone as soon as they went on sale. Your mindless consumerism made me so @#$% angry, that I spontaneously healed so I could come back here and strangle you! Hand over that &@#$ iPhone, loser! No way, it's keeping you healthy.

"I was admitted to heaven, but they didn't have WIFI."

First Place Layabout

"Do I need to remind you that I have a huge Internet following?"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?"

I never thought I'd be competing with cat videos!

Witch's Brew

"I wasn't texting while having sex. It's the other way around."

Apple TV+

"Guess which one I made with a 3-D printer."

'Uh, Molly...Who's your little friend?'

My mother, the PC.