Offbeat Wealth Strategist Pillows

'I see you've listed your assets as totaling 100,000, but that's based on counting the street value of your organs,'

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

Will work for ETFs

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Clancy Strip: Money and Beer

"I made my money the old fashioned way...a team of high priced lawyers litigating round the clock."

'Walk softly and carry a large credit line.'

'These are tough times for wall street tycoons...the best we can do is laugh half-way to the banks.'

'Life, liberty & the pursuit of tax shelters.'

Pound sign in an hourglass.

'I've begun spreading my wealth to offshore accounts.'

'I realize money can't buy happiness, so I'm just trying to improve the exchange rate.'

"I'm going to look for a mortgage...I may be some time!"

Security/Savings

'The tropical tax haven where he offshored his business was just hit by a tsunami.'

"That wasn't supposed to happen!!"

Tax Shelters of the Rich and Famous.

'Reinvent yourself. You write off the whole thing as a business expense!'

'We have a faith-based pension plan... You just have to pray it will still be there when you retire.'

'Prof. Sigurdt has made giant strides in making genetic engineering profitable.'

'I did well while good news was bad news. Then good news became good news--and that was bad news.'

'He prefers smoking cash to injecting it.'

"Someday this will all be yours, or so you think until you find out at my last will and testament that I left everything to my hot, young trophy wife and you curse my soul to eternal damnation."

Feeding at the Trough

Zen Wall Street.

'No, you can't fake your own death and leave all your money to yourself.'

'Investments in money funds increased this month on news it TAKES money to MAKE money.'

'It looks like your pension gap is finally catching up with us!'

'We were just keeping up with the Joneses. How was I supposed to know the Joneses were keeping up with the Rockefellers?'

"This morning, I looked into the mirror and said to myself, 'Bruce, you're a billionaire. It's time to stop horsing around and enjoy life a little.' "

"My kids may hate me, but my great-great-grandkids are going to love me."

'Eddie, remember... your 'net worth' is what happens to you while you make other investment plans.'

"My whole goddam MacArthur is in Nasdaq."

State of the State.