Nuts And Bolts Humor Gifts

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

'He's trying to talk them into giving themselves up!'

A classic case of 'Cow-Worm'.

Knight with paint tin on his head.

'Personally, I don't question these things. My snout period will simply end when it ends.'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

"A nutcracker!! Hey...this thing looks used."

"Do you know what time they open love?"

'Well, yes, I guess so; the Warmington AR-20 could drop a man at 500 metres.'

"My New Year's resolution is to get fit and watch more TV."

'Well, now, let's just shine the light of common sense and linear thinking on this little computer problem of yours, shall we?' 'I'm not THAT desperate yet.'

"Rose colored glasses."

...Mr.Colman is busy right now - he's burning some books.

I've heard of on-line banking, but I think this may be the first ever attempt at an armed, on-line bank robbery!"

Catburglar's anonymous. Sign saying 'door not in use'.

'See what happens when you forget to feed your pet?'

'On the charge of resisting arrest, how does the defendant plead?'

'How is it health food prices always make me feel sick as a parrot?'

"Peanuts? . . . Really?"

'I wish you wouldn't carry knives in your trousers - they make such holes in your pockets!'

"And this time, Figgis, try to play it as if you are not using 'forged notes'."

Ignorance of the law rarely keeps some attorneys from practicing it.

Criminal Profiling ID Parade

'No thanks, I don't except suites from neighbours.'

"I'm still not sure which one of them took my wallet. Maybe if they took off their shirts again."

'We try to keep it quiet, but the chef slips in a lot of organic and vitamin-enriched food.'

'It was the hand that fed us, you stupid dog! You should have eaten the food - not the hand!'

Dog With Sticks in In Tray

"Come back later when our computers are back up."

"Boys, this is Louie, our fixer."

Diet.

'That's the most beautiful alibi I've ever heard!'

'The gun went off while you were cleaning it, eh? †in a BANK?'

'Clearly every one of these suspects has stolen my identity.'