Notice Board Reader Pillows

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

Reading the sports pages.

'I'm a virtuoso on the middle pedal.'

New music conference

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

And if the ball is completely unplayable...

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

"We do have on item the internet hasn't already beaten into the ground, ad nauseam."

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

He waited for the next wave of regulations to arrive.

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

'Now hold on, Mike. You're talking about embezzlement! And unless I'm very mistaken, that's strictly prohibited in the company's employee handbook!'

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

Musical Bicycle.

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

At the Goldilocks Music Store albums are labeled: 'Too Many Notes,' 'Too Few Notes,' 'Too loud,' 'Too Soft,' and 'Just Right.'

"I hope I live long enough to see Bush's view of his legacy come true! I'll be around a long, long, long time!"

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

"Darling, there's an offer for a time-share nest in Florida: Should we apply?"

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Musician's Fishing Trip