Noise-sensitive Humorist Pillows

'Peace is at hand! - I just signed the Bagpipe Limitation Treaty!'

Hoodie Hang-out

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

"I wouldn't take the name 'dog strangling vine' literally."

Now Hiring. Artificial Intelligence & Research Lab. "Artificial Intelligence"? Great! I'd be a real asset to your project since I'm not as intelligent as I look!

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

Time management office worker

Oil Spill Hits Wall St.

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

Pavlov's dog eats Schrodinger's cat.

We've gotten all we can with traditional drilling techniques. What do you know about fracking?

"Your DNA test came back – you're 49% from the Amazon, 49% from the Caribbean, and 2% from some plastics plant in Texas."

Earth-Friendly Financial Services: "Working to protect our planet by accumulating vast piles of your money."

'Gene Pool'

"Excuse me, would you mind taking your portable zombie game to another carriage?"

Well, good luck evolving, son, and don't do anything I wouldn't do! You know, like destroy the planet or something.

Dinosaur scared of a mouse.

"When it comes to blowing leaves around uselessly and creating an insane amount of noise, this model can't be beat."

I have a low flow toilet ... but not by design.

"Don't mind Bill. He's got misophonia."

'How long have you had this feeling that you are unwanted...?'

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

Paper, plastic, Trumpcare

I'm fully aware of the mission for a paperless society, but can I please have a toilet-roll for the gents?

Phone Book Removal Service.

"Without social media how would everyone know that I was vegan?"

People at a meeting passing around cotton wool for their ears.

'Your hand signal was okay. Pity you didn't open the window.'

Keeping cool in 2122

Will work for locally grown food.

Giant Remote Control.