Noise-sensitive Humorist Pillows

'Peace is at hand! - I just signed the Bagpipe Limitation Treaty!'

Hoodie Hang-out

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

"I wouldn't take the name 'dog strangling vine' literally."

Time management office worker

Oil Spill Hits Wall St.

Woman's T-Shirt says 'Baby', Man's says '35 Lbs. Ugly Fat'.

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

Pavlov's dog eats Schrodinger's cat.

"Your DNA test came back – you're 49% from the Amazon, 49% from the Caribbean, and 2% from some plastics plant in Texas."

'Gene Pool'

Earth-Friendly Financial Services: "Working to protect our planet by accumulating vast piles of your money."

"Excuse me, would you mind taking your portable zombie game to another carriage?"

Dinosaur scared of a mouse.

"When it comes to blowing leaves around uselessly and creating an insane amount of noise, this model can't be beat."

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

I have a low flow toilet ... but not by design.

'How long have you had this feeling that you are unwanted...?'

Paper, plastic, Trumpcare

"Don't mind Bill. He's got misophonia."

I'm fully aware of the mission for a paperless society, but can I please have a toilet-roll for the gents?

Phone Book Removal Service.

People at a meeting passing around cotton wool for their ears.

"Without social media how would everyone know that I was vegan?"

Giant Remote Control.

Will work for locally grown food.

Keeping cool in 2122

'Your hand signal was okay. Pity you didn't open the window.'

Self help tape - listening skills