Nimby Satirist Gifts

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

'It's first flush Darjeeling darling!'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

Champagne at the hunt

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

'And then the big bad wolf said, 'This, little piggy, is where the rubber meets the road.''

"This is Sweden, not Eden."

doom.com

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

Traffic Lights Medicine

Difference between regular and French onion soup? "When I serve the French onion soup, I sneer."

"It's actually an ink stain but my wife has grown quite fond of it."

Lex Ave Express

",,,These job cuts will not affect patient care...."

"Are you Matthew Jones with a double 'T'?"

"It's our latest objet d'art, of course we can't use it!"

Bumper sticker reads: 'I'd rather be text messaging.'

'These f****** pop stars are setting really f****** bad examples with their b***** lifestyles.'

'That's quite a bit you're inheriting. I suppose you realize this will force you to start learning about wine.'

"Of course, it's a very early Rembrandt."

"It's a couch, not a settee, you posh git!"

Celebrity X-factor Gogglebox Bake-off on Ice

"Goodness gracious no, I didn't go to a public puppy-school: I went to an elite private puppy-school..."

"Do you have anything fit for a King?"

"It's best just to leave them alone - Over the years, they've come to regard themselves as an elite group of drunks."

"Yes, there is a chance you'll be alive in six months... If there really is such a thing as reincarnation."