Newsroom Navigate Masters Pillows

'Due to the economy, we've replaced Financial News with a new segment called 'Pictures of Puppies and Kittens.''

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

"Look , Malcolm, I get it that you're ambitious. But can't you put that damn thing down just for a minute?"

Newspaper suicide.

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

'Tommy's book reports are like no other.'

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

"According to my phone, society is on the brink of collapse, but, according to our living room, things seem pretty O.K."

Fake News - Tabloid News - State-run News - Free Press

"And this all happened in the last week..."

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

I'm in the den mom, reading the newspaper for social studies class.

'The National Debt just sounds like it's a lot of money because it's such a large number.'

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Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

Weather reporter feels guilty every time it rains.

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

"I understand your feelings, dear, but don't you think that Jane Pauley would just as soon see you keep your strength up?"

The Art of Bantering!

'Forget about 'who,what,when,where,why,how'...Instead 'Will it sell papers...attract advertisers?'

Man reading on top of giant pencil being carried by others.

An expletive of editors

Supermarket Newscaster

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

"If it gets tense in here I might need you to step up and BS-calate things."