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'Due to the economy, we've replaced Financial News with a new segment called 'Pictures of Puppies and Kittens.''

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

"Look , Malcolm, I get it that you're ambitious. But can't you put that damn thing down just for a minute?"

Newspaper suicide.

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

News for Sale

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

'Tommy's book reports are like no other.'

"According to my phone, society is on the brink of collapse, but, according to our living room, things seem pretty O.K."

"And this all happened in the last week..."

Fake News - Tabloid News - State-run News - Free Press

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

The Masters.

'The National Debt just sounds like it's a lot of money because it's such a large number.'

I'm in the den mom, reading the newspaper for social studies class.

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"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

The Art of Bantering!

"I understand your feelings, dear, but don't you think that Jane Pauley would just as soon see you keep your strength up?"

Weather reporter feels guilty every time it rains.

'Forget about 'who,what,when,where,why,how'...Instead 'Will it sell papers...attract advertisers?'

Man reading on top of giant pencil being carried by others.

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

Supermarket Newscaster

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

An expletive of editors

'Well done! I've never heard anyone slip from jargon into gibberish and out again with such ease!'