Newsreader Pillows

'News of the vague.'

"Pour yourself a drink - the news isn't too good"

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

All things previously thought to be good for us are in fact harmful to our health.

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

Huw Edwards.

Industry regulation and de-regulation

Trevor Mcdonald

"Your demeanor is just right for giving the economic news, Smithdon."

'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'

Today the market acted real maverick-y... Sarah Palin on Fox.

News/OldsTV

'She's irate. She thought she was hired as newsreader totty and she's just found out it was to prove we're not ageist.'

'Toupee-free news'

'Good evening. I'm Bill O'Reilly, and... what are you looking at, four-eyes?'

"A look at the papers soon, but first the news where you are..."

'He cries when the News is sad!'

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

'-Daddy's on the box!!'

'Good evening. If you expect to see stories about stupid celebs, nice animals, bloody accidents or drunken football players, I've got to dissapoint you. Tonight, we've got important news only.'

'That Fiona Bruce, what a figure! About 400,000 quid a year apparently.'

Trevor McDonald

'Ooh, I don't like his tie!'

Newshour - Just cut to Haiti's Rubble.

"Try to smile a bit louder."

'You know, I'm really tired of reading news stories -- Let's just chat at random for awhile, okay?'

"...And this breaking news just in...a major supermarket is set to close 120 stores, putting six people out of work."

"....In other news, my wife's left me and run off with the fitness instructor."

"Scientists believe the mysterious asteroid, known as 'Oumaumau', may be a space probe, a discarded solar sail or a huge alien turd."

A.I. Newreader Malfunctions. . . or does it?

"Tonight's headlines..."

"A source close to the Royals tells me that..."

Christmas Newsreader

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

"And, closer to home, your wife is doing shots with some Dutch sailors on the Bowery."