Newspaper Jokester Pillows

'Sorry, Tarquin can't come to the phone right now...'

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

'How are the ventriloquist lessons going?'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Clown throws a bucket of confetti over car at 'Jimbo's carwash'.

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Four years of dental school only to tell all my patients 'Don't worry about any tooth issues - they'll just fall out and be replaced, anyway'."

If a bunch of crazy red headed clowns come out that door...Run like you've never ran before!

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

We did a biopsy on the mole we removed, and it turns out it was just an old piece of chocolate.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

''Yeah, mine's a rescue dog too.''

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"We hang like this for the incredible ab workout."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

'That's one hell of a cat-flap Harry. You must have a big cat, heh, heh.'

Monkey Curling Lion's Mane.

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Armstrong? Why did UPS just deliver a microscope, a robotic arm, a huge incubator, a nucleus extractor and a dozen lab rats? Well, it's certainly not so I can replace you with an army of clones programmed to work for free. Well

Some card-game puns

'Colin's dying to show you how his renewable energy scheme works.'

This condition could be hereditary - does stupidity run in your family?

'I'm sending another scam email requesting money to help free Willy...'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"I've got writer's block."

'Hon? Did your phone go dead? Hello?'

"Isn't it an amazing co-incidence that this is an orange, and it IS ORANGE?"

'I have multiple personalities and they are all following me on Twitter.'