Newspaper Jokester Gifts

'Sorry, Tarquin can't come to the phone right now...'

"I'm grounded. I forgot to delete the car's computer history after we did those crop circles on Earth."

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

'How are the ventriloquist lessons going?'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Four years of dental school only to tell all my patients 'Don't worry about any tooth issues - they'll just fall out and be replaced, anyway'."

If a bunch of crazy red headed clowns come out that door...Run like you've never ran before!

Clown throws a bucket of confetti over car at 'Jimbo's carwash'.

'Ok, here comes farmer Brown, put these on and remember.......act natural!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

''Yeah, mine's a rescue dog too.''

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Some card-game puns

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"Isn't it an amazing co-incidence that this is an orange, and it IS ORANGE?"

'Colin's dying to show you how his renewable energy scheme works.'

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"I've got writer's block."

'Hon? Did your phone go dead? Hello?'

Monkey Curling Lion's Mane.

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'That's one hell of a cat-flap Harry. You must have a big cat, heh, heh.'

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"We hang like this for the incredible ab workout."