News Headline Collector Prints

"Apparently reading about the causes of cancer gives you cancer."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

Scientist seen on loch.

'We're here to talk to your son about his website...'

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

"Nothing is certain except death."

Trump and Erdoğan

'Read ALL about IT! In other less TRASHIER Newspapers!'

'Let me rephrase your question and answer with a 10 second sound bite to catch the next news cycle.'

Will Israel's democracy survive this?

"Sorry, but statistics don't lie: hippopotamus are more dangerous to humans than lions..."

Violence in Mexico

"It was a mixed dayon wall street. Stocks were down, but bonuses were up."

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

Fred's Newstand - forefront of the new post-industrial information society.

"It says here the word 'brandy' comes from a Dutch word meaning burnt wine. At last, something appropriate to serve at one of your barbeques!"

'Watch the news with the sound turned off. You're suffering from information overload.'

'Breaking news. . . I've just found out my wife has left me.'

Water-main break - "Very serious." - The Times

Daily News Headline Dept. An athlete who failed as a baseball pitcher, a tennis player and a ski jumper accidentally ran his car into a tree! No curve, no serve, no nerve, no swerve!

Subway. This headline says "New Home Construction Falls." That's ambiguous. It's either economic data or a report about builders doing shoddy work.

'If you two can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!!'

Headlines you may have missed. . . .April Fools!

Made America Coronavirus

Next week's headlines

Donald Trump and co.

Tony Blair: 'Everything's going PR shaped.'

'My opponent called me a 'terrible liar.''

"Stop the presses!" "Press the stops!"

"The weather guy called. He's gathering momentum, but there's a 60% chance he won't get here on time."

Vlad Deals With Failure

'Mya, you'll go nuts worrying about all the things you can do nothing about!'

"Do y'know, the brain in a IMAC is no bigger than a fingernail? You two should get on perfectly."

"£11,231,371! You know what this means - beggin' letters, con tricks, kidnap threats. . . We'll start with the letters, what's his address again?"