News Anchorman Pillows

'Your tests indicate that you have a very short attention span -- you should be either a short-order cook or a news anchorman.'

'Your tests indicate that you have a very short attention span -- you should be either a short-order cook or a news anchorman.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"Which news channel should we watch?"

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

Local News in Heaven

'Och lye the news'

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

'Stocks rose on the rumor that the market is mostly rumor-driven.'

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

Turkey, present day...