News Anchor Humorist Pillows

'It's 10pm do you know where your cat is?'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"Which news channel should we watch?"

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

Local News in Heaven

'Och lye the news'

Reporter #6: television.

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Turkey, present day...

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

'Stocks rose on the rumor that the market is mostly rumor-driven.'

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"