News Anchor Hopeful Pillows

Career center: 'I'm planning to replace Katie Couric when she retires!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

"Which news channel should we watch?"

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

Local News in Heaven

'Och lye the news'

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

Turkey, present day...

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

'NBC has revealed plans for a new, humorous version of The Office.'

Reporter #6: television.

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

'Stocks rose on the rumor that the market is mostly rumor-driven.'