Newbie To Self-discipline Gifts

"You'll have to give up the wine and the women. It's OK to sing, but only in moderation."

"I'm off to the gym, where my private self and my public self converge."

Spa

"River well stocked this year."

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"Our Rupert has swopped his gaming console for bagpipes...it gets us out of the house more often."

BOOKSHOP, 'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit today, sir -- a ream of paper and a dozen pencils.'

'He's finally done it - kicked breakfast TV!'

'Tommy is in the other room playing with the triangle we bought him in Bermuda.'

Clancy Strip: Money and Beer

"You're fortunate. Stubble looks really good on you."

"That was too many fresh original voices for one night."

Giving Things Up For Lent.

This Year's Spa

'Dude, you can go for that new diving gear if you want, but if you ask me, I think it's a trap.'

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

Model Building

"You try staying this this after giving birth two million times."

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

'-and we offer trauma counselling at no extra cost!'

Who says you're pasture prime?

"You complete me."

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'Aside from your plastic canvas projects, what else have you been doing since you retired?'

Spa day

"I'm here to warn you, do not eat both slices of cake – you're going to want one tomorrow."

"My husband makes this wine."

"O.K., go long, and then go about a hundred feet to your left or your right - who knows?"

Please seat to be weighted.

'What's the hardest thing about playing bowls?'

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