Neuter Humorist Pillows

"Of course, all the good ones are fixed."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

Smoke and mirrors.

A dog has inflated the family cats with helium and they are floating on the roof.

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Book: 'From prey to predator in 30 days.'

"Are you sure this is a 'Flu virus?" "See for yourself...it's nose is running!"

In trays read: Bluff/Blink.

"Did I miss a lot of work while I was out with the flu? No, I didn't miss it at all!"

Dummies for Dummies.

Lab studies suggest that a human growth pill is just around the corner.

Self Help: Get To Know Yourself/Get To Unknow Yourself

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

Impartial Testing: "Eeny, meeny, money, moe..."

"So, tell me what happened after this Schrodinger put you in this box..."

'If it's any consolation, I'm having him fixed next week.'

Hellbillies.

Out and In.

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

'What he lacks in speed he gains in nose.'

'I can't help you, it seems you really are npsycuts!'

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

"Are you new around here?"

'...and to you, he has left his leprosy.'

'And so, Ladies and Germs, I conclude that we must promote homeopathy! This may be our best chance to wipe out the human race since the glory days of the Black Plague.'

'I've been fixed even though there wasn't anything wrong with me.'

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"It's shrinkflation!"

'I've become resistant to antibiotics, but what I dread is a shot of whisky in a cup of hot tea.'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."