Navigating Relationship Changes Gifts

"I knew Mary would dump me when my fleece got a little gray."

"Honey, this is serious, we need to text."

"Why do I feel like your mother is going to blame this on my cleaning?"

I was starting a new chapter in my life and I tripped over a footnote.

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

"But honey. . . he's just not our kind!"

"Uh-oh. The so-called marriage penalty."

'I'm sorry but I need my own space.'

"He just married me on the rebound."

"No, Phil, I'm not grateful that we finally have some time alone."

"Do you, Amanda and John, promise to watch yourselves, mind your Ps and Qs, and generally step on eggshells in this marriage, in order to somehow keep it up and running for as long as possible?"

"Thanks for that."

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

Oh silly me, I'm trying to fix my glasses with nasal spray instead of super glue!

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

"This isn't working out - I'm an earthworm and you're a....are you even listening to me?"

"It's not all your fault, some of it is my mother's!"

"I don't understand... I've scientifically proven that you were wrong. How can you still be mad at me?"

"Once we're all vaccinated, will you still want to spend every waking moment together?"

No, it's not the beer talking. Beer actually makes a better impression than I do. ! !

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

'We tried marriage your way and it didn't work. Now it's my way!'

'You're afraid of commitment, aren't you?'

'I feel like I just don't know you anymore, Richard!'

'In defense of forgetting our anniversary, I forgot we're married.'

"Harry, you're wrong on every level."

"I watched that Marie Kondo program on decluttering and decided to get rid of Norman."

Cupid gives up trying to get cell phone-using couple together.

'Let's take this step by step -- first, I want you to recognize each other's right to exist.'

Fourplay.

"Get with the program, Barry, the certificate clearly said, 'till death do we part'."

Certificate in Living Room Celebrating Three Days Without Argument

Walk dog, brush your teeth.

"We just don't seem to make time for one another these days."