Mystical Jokester Gifts

Nobody was really sure why the deceased spirit kept spelling out the word 'soapdish'.

"Please ask your pet to kindly put down the weapon."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

"The stars were much more beautiful from Earth."

"Not now, Oliver."

"And where do you see yourself in the next 7-8 billion years?"

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"I've never read such utter nonsense! There's a guy here reckons we're all living in some kind of computer simulation!"

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

BLACK HOLES, the space path of least resistance.

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'And on June 30th of that same year, you used The Bible as a coaster?'

Cosmonaughty

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Mike had learnt by heart the whole training manual, apart from the most important bit.

Guru levitates while wife vacuums.

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

'Boy, that felt good! I can see why the devil has so much fun. And no, I'm not letting you in! But tell him I said hello.'

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"If small stars keep planets in line, what do big stars do?"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"I haven't changed my facebook status."

'If the Sun doesn't explode in five billion years, do you realize how foolish we'll look?'

The First Man to Ride the Moon

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupididy' and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein. Our colleague and I were going to debate, with me arguing the universe is finite and he's arguing that it's infinite. But he pulled out saying the debate organizers are biased against his position. He didn't believe they were simply advising folks to arrive early when they said "space is limited."

"Relax, I grade on the curve."

Broad Minded