Musician T-Shirts

"I'm trapped in an elevator - wait, it gets worse."

Life Without Mozart

French horn.

Things that bands can do

"And now a request from the audience."

"Can't you just whistle while you work?"

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

Big Al's Banjo, Accordion, and Bagpipe Palace - Closed due to Geneva Convention

Piano-Tuning Bar

"I won't lie to you.Chopin's 'Funeral March' is a bad sign."

"We've got Tom O'Brien on bass, Nick Weber on drums, and Jonah Petchesky on contracts."

Ludwig van Beethoven

"Personally, I prefer a piano bar."

'Dear, it's time to pay the piper again.'

'The ants are, my friend, blowin' in the wind - The ants are a blowin' in the wind...'

"We tried six speakers, then twelve, and finally we put in the Pittsburgh Symphony, yet we still feel something is lacking."

"The next one is a hard-rockin', kick-ass, take-no-prisoners tune we wrote about turning sixty."

"This one goes verse, verse, chorus, train."

Italica

"Can't say I'm surprised. It's a notoriously difficult piece of music."

"This next one is a typical blues number about exceeding your data plan limit, cracking your ipad screen, and losing your new ear buds."

"I've always been a big Otis Redding fan."

"I believe I already know most of you from the drum circle."

Renaissance mandolinist/lutist plugged into many amplifiers.

Out of tuna

'Mind if I play the cello for dramatic effect?'

David Roy Eldridge

"Don't you know anything but 'Afternoon of a Faun'?"

"This next song's about spreading risk in a volitile market by diversification"

Ineffective conducting.

'This next block of silence is for all you folks who download music for free, eliminating my incentive to create,'

"Damn it, Hopkins, didn't you get yesterday's memo?"

'I've hired this musician to play a sad melody while I give you a sob story why I didn't do my homework. It's actually quite effective.'

'This next song's about spreading risk in a volatile market by diversification.'