Multilingual Parent Pillows

'She speaks 6 languages and can't say 'No' in any of them. . .'

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Mom said eat everything in moderation, so I renamed the cookie jar 'Moderation.'"

"Where's your nose?"

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"It's from the children. They'd like us to let them in."

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Stork Story.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

'Hold on, the play is under review.'

"I'll explain later."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

Boho Bribes

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'Hello? Animal control?'

"Dad, I'm thinking they could be tax deductable."

"You were right, honey, she was tired... I only had to read six books to her tonight!"

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

Newton's Cradle

Our Yuppie Dad

"It's cash. It's kind of like a debit card."

Excited about getting Gina to the hospital on the 'big day', Doug converts their car into the Stork-mobile.