Mortality Explorer Pillows

"Here I am, Mother, gainfully and meaningfully employed, and all you can do is criticize."

"You're late!"

Mister Mid-Life Crisis

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

Questions about an old case refuse to go away. . .

"I shop, therefore I am."

"Did you get my tweet?"

"I just found a unicorn! Apparently, they just want to be left alone."

The Gospel According To Jane Brody"Orange, come in. Apple, come in. Hey you, frankfurter, hold it right there."

X-ray Psychology.

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

Monuments

"Wait, am I hear for you or are you here for me?"

"I'm sending you an interesting article about declining birth rates."

'Tommy is in the other room playing with the triangle we bought him in Bermuda.'

"Really? That's the only game in this house?"

'Look! There's a Zyzzkzkk!'

"Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!"

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Look man, no wings!'

"Damnit—Every game ends in stalemate."

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

"Wifey! Wifey! I've found the fountain of youth!"

Orientation: Welcome to Hell

The Final Selfie

Going Down?

"Must we have ten minutes blasphemy every night?"

The Suite Hereafter

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

Asteroid Denying Dinosaur vs. Asteroid Believing Dinosaur.

'It's only fair Geraldine. I had to meet your parents.'