Morning News Watcher Gifts

Fear of news.

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

I hate monday mornings.

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

Covid Lab Theory

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

Classic News.

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

The Evening News

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

The End of Trump?

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

"Good news on Wall Street today"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'