Morning Coffee Critic Pillows

"This coffee seems a little staler every morning, Edwina!"

"Stop whining. A little cigar ash never killed anybody."

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

'Play any other position besides Monday morning quarterback?'

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Sorry I'm not at the meeting, sir

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

"Practicing my hate-face."

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

Dateline - Caf

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

'Well, kids, I guess it all started with decaffeinated coffee....'

'This decaf's lousy.'

Honest Vending Machine

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

"Could I have a skinny, half fat caramel infued Americano with a double shot and froth. . . but without the coffee!"

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

Man - 'This coffee tastes like mud!' Woman - 'It was ground this morning.'

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

'I had a lovely time...your coffee table was delicious.'

"Some days I wake up grumpy. Other days, I let him sleep."

"Flavor? It's 'let me drink my first cup before I stab you in the eyes' flavor."

If you get lost, remember that there's a Starbucks on every corner.

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."