Morning Banter Fan Pillows

'I prefer flakes.' 'Figures.'

'A cheeky red?'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a bubble like this?"

Big Newspaper Delivery

Mums coffee morning

'Talking of of big tops have you seen the new barmaid at the Green Dragon?'

'Household water use'

Young girl asks young boy what time he wakes in the morning

"Julie...would you cancel my 4 o'clock please...?"

'The boss is just a carrier - he doesn't get panic attacks, he just gives panic attacks!'

"Remember - you have sharp teeth and claws, but he has sarcasm."

'Nobody goes there any more.' - 'It's too crowded.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

Two men jogging past one another trying to get as many words in as possible.

"O.K., your mouth may be clean but I'll bet your mind is filthy."

"Dang it."

He's just discovereed that our £450,000 blog rebuttal campaign was directed against a 12 year old in swindon using his mum's computer.

Chris Evans

'Today is. . . Tuesday! We are going. . . on a picnic. . . I am. . . an idiot.'

'Please do not adjust your set -- I'm just a little hung over.'

'Hey Dad - you're shaving with my transistor radio!'

"With the pretzels I recommend a hearty burgundy, with the goldfish a blanc de blancs."

Propriety

Can you feel the electricity in the air?...

"I try to keep my coffee buzz going till the Martini buzz kicks in."

'The cereal killer has struck again, Sarge.'

"I'm interested in the debt consolidation package your bank has been advertising...."

'You have inflammation in both eyes but as far as I can see, there's no information behind them.'

'Cock-a-doodle... don't.'

"... You have a cold?... So, does that make you an illegal eagle?"

"Look, honey, they're erecting a statue of you in the park—oh, now they're taking it down."