Moral Commentary Pillows

"I can't say I'm all that surprised."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

Wifi in Hell

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

'Amazing! We truly do live in a classless society.'

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"No - you’re right. It’s dumb."

"Will follow you on social media for food."

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

Armageddon

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

After defeating terror, George and his friends declare war on mild irritation and clouds.

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."