Monument Whisperer Pillows

The Chicken of the North

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Boy with a whale: 'He followed me home, Dad, can I keep him?'

'I know that bird feeder is guaranteed to be squirrel-proof, but I still think they are getting in there.'

"Ed's tree hugging was out of control."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

"My wife is the queen of misheard lyrics! Listen to her singing carefully next time: it's hilarious..."

'Choose, Fenster

'Hey, that one looks just like a visible mass of condensed water vapour floating in the atmosphere.'

"Before invasive species, the only things I could grow were weeds and mildew."

Woman applying makeup

"Please....wait...the...meeting...host...will....let you...in....soon."

"So, what are you doing after whale-watching season?"

'Bob likes to express himself through his art!'

"You're on mute."

'No - we really don't cater for vegans, even our salad dressing is made from sperm oil!'

Park cleaner orders leaf to come down.

'We've been lucky - sometimes you can be out here the whole day and fail to see a single boat!'

'Hey, I used that model once!'

The World's best Camouflage Store.

"Good grief, Wilson! At least act like you're enjoying it! It's for my blog!"

"Joe, is that you? Can you really hear me? What's the password for the email?"

'Call me paranoid if you like, but I feel as if people are watching me all the time...'

Is this Seat Taken?

Some people save stamps or coins. I save whales.

"I worry what kind of cat food we're going got make."

"I've got a pulse!"

'Stop gritting your teeth!'

"Is there anybody there..?" Knock once for 'yes' and twice for 'no'..."

'I can't help thinking you need a little more focus....'

"Yes, we now have smart mirrors that can read your mood."

'I don't mean to discourage you, but go home and play on your own range.'

"The only time he lets 'em out is when he wants the lawn mooing."

"Did you get it at Bed, Birch and Beyond?"