Modern Medicine Critic Pillows

"If you need anything just log on with your personal pin code to the hospitals intranet where you'll find instructions for accessing the site where you can notify staff of any requirements you may have."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'You're suffering from job-stress insomnia. Stop counting sheep to fall asleep.'

"Thanks to modern medicine, we now have drugs to make any season the season to be jolly."

Current location

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'

'Do you want the pill, the suppository, the patch, or the app?'

'I have no idea what's wrong with you. I just collect information. My computer makes the decisions.'

'Take two tokes of weed, Mrs Grunfield, and call me in the morning.'

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

"I have to tell you, I got a totally different diagnosis from someone named PookyPoo on medi-answer.com."

'You'll be fine. Take two aspirin and call, fax, text or email me in the morning.'

"Take two aspirin and text me in the morning."

"Nurse, could you please click Ok?"

'Here's my DNA sequence.'

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'

"I'm a doctor, I'm allowed to google it."

Cost Of NHS Treatment - 'Honestly Mr Reade, I can't find anything wrong with you.'

"Supersize me."

"Great job everybody. Now let's close 'em up and bill 'em."

'You're husband's death is an absolute tragedy, it's going to play havoc with my monthly mortality targets.'

"Of course, this will require extensive plastic surgery!"

"I curse the day I ever heard of Ginkgo Biloba."

'I will now demonstrate the laying on of hands - MINE not yours!'

Most common side effects...

"All I got was this participation ribbon."

'Side effects'

'You should consult my Doctor. You'll never live to regret it.'

The MEDICARE Shadow Knows...

"Great flash mob, isn't it?"

Leading GPs have called for schools to discriminate against women

Specialist Directory: Cardiology, Dermatology, Hematology, Leeches