Modern Love Debater Gifts

Speed Dating/Speed Dumping

'It was love at first sight, although he was very pixilated and I was out of focus'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I want more than anonymous sex. I want anonymous intimacy."

Darn it, you're touching my half of the loveseat again. (Published originally on Feb. 20, 2008.)

'I've spent a fortune wining and dining you today Julie and now you tell me you love Picasso!'

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'I can lash out at you, unlike with other girls.'

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Sometime I find it hard to believe that we found each other through regular channels."

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

"We even tried cyber sex, but the line was always busy."

"Will you be passing a mailbox?"

'My wife was psychic and divorced me over an affair I hadn't had yet.'

'David, I want you tested for steroids.'

"You're wonderful, Kimberly, and I want to be married, but I'm looking for a complete unknown."

"I said to him eventually, I said marriage is something you're just going to have to do on your own."

'Darling what will you give me for this ring?'

'I usually don't do online dating.'

"And he's caring and honest and gentle..." "I'd do her."

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"I was being myself like you advised. That's when she dumped me!"

'Will you marry me, Miss?'

"I remember when these two matched on Hinge, casually retweeted quips on Tweitter, lost each other for a bit, slid into Instagram DMs...and here we are at regular texting and marriage."

"You're poison, Lauren, but, these days, what isn't?"

Be My P.C.V

"She dumped me the minute I flunked out of medical school."

Cupid views his online credit rating.

Cops at domestic scene with the Hickenloopers.

"He looked a lot bigger online."

Enough with the e-readers. Blasphemer! Ooh, I can carry 1,000 books at one time. Ooh, I can download books in an instant. Ohh, I can check out the first chapter without buying. But … But you can't see the cover of the book. There is no cover. So? How can I judge a book reader without seeing their cover?! Fair. Disturbing. But fair.

'My trial marriage was dismissed for lack of evidence.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Where you want to hunt and gather tonight?"