Modern Family Navigators Pillows

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'The trash won't empty by clicking on the trash icon. You will have to physically take it out.'

"At least now when mom and dad fight it's quieter."

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

'She'll be sleeping in a tent!?'

"Kids must use technology at an earlier age these days. This stroller comes with a Bluetooth, computer, and a phone charger."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

'Oh, relax. Stopping to ask how to use the GPS does not violate the male decree against asking directions.'

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"Don't take it personally, Dad, but if I need advice, I'll ask my phone...it's a lot smarter than you are!"

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

"Wet wipe?"

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

"It's amazing how much he's like one of his dads."

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

"No, we're not there yet because your father refuses to ask for directions!"

'Would you like me to have a word with educational psychologist about Julie?'

'Eddie's mom has nerves of steel. She didn't send me home 'til almost four.'

The Queen of Static Electricity: 'Boring Rainy Day Sitting Area.'

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."