Modern-day Observer Gifts

"Actually I prefer contactless!"

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"They communicate through clicks and taps."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

Selfie Stick

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"The election's over, Trump won, the illegals are being deported and I'm here for one of them there high-paying American jobs he promised."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

You won't believe what happens in circle 6!! Dante's Inferno updated.

'Stocks are down. Bonds are down. Terrorism and natural disasters are up. Ask your doctor if medical marijuana is right for you...'

"He was much more effective in the field."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

Maternity Hospital

Mice 25¢

"And the tech guy said not to worry if I lost my phone. There's an app for that..."

All You Can Tweet Restaurant.

"If you want to know why I fired you, you can subscribe to my blog."

"Your sister got another promotion."

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

"Recalculating!"

"He added the computer, TV and cable box. Apparently, sand wasn't enough."

"Daddy says God created Eve out of Adam´s spare credit card!"

Old Yarns

911: Would You Like Us To Commit a Crime?

"Someone just pinched my mobile phone"

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

I have a video phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

"Better safe than sorry, son."

"Auto reply: I am dead and will have limited access to e-mail."

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