Modern Dating Detective Mugs

Hi. I'm Rudy. You're not my type. Pardon? I was going to start a conversation and then ask for your email. But I realized you probably wouldn't be interested. What? I preempted your rejection! It's not longer safe to leave the house.

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

'I'm sorry, Jason. I don't date anyone new until I've googled them.'

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"I thought you did a great job with your gender neutral statements ... There will be a second date."

"This isn't working. We have nothing in common."

'Let's do lunch.'

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

'When it comes to romance, Sherlock doesn't have a clue!'

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

I'm looking at photos of potential dates here. Your "screening" process.

"Before we take this any further, I'd like us to open about our internet history."

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

'My wife! The therapist we hired to help us reinvigorate our marriage!'

'You want to understand women?...I granted you a wish, not a miracle!'

"I can tell when you're just kissing me to get some of my lip balm, Josh."

Cupid gives up trying to get cell phone-using couple together.

"He's either 'still water runs deep' or an oxygen-depleted dead zone."

Cheapskate b*****d told me he'd laid on a box for me to watch the races.

"Hola! Tia Carmen's psychic hotline! Can I tell you where your lousy cheating boyfriend is right now?"

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.

'You asked her to go out with you?', 'Yes, but she says there's a lengthy approval process.'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

'Girls! I won't understand them if I live to be six.'