Mocktivist Pillows

"Will you sign this petition to make me stop petitioning?"

Rebel without a clue

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

'Don't bite it. I have to check Daddy next.'

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

"Apparently Wilbur hasn't gotten that raise. He's still hamming it up for the boss."

"We pay the living dead wage."

'Where was I on the night of the 7th of August? I was home washing my hair.'

Swami Trevor's Brotherhood of Celestial Enlightenment

Department de Philosophie

"You mock, sir—you mock a sport storied and beloved. I, sir, pity you."

The Prozac Story: 'It's a feel-good movie.'

Two Years into a Trump Presidency...

'No wonder these are bland...they're toys!'

When Atlas shrugs it off.

"It doesn't matter if anyone heard you fall, I am sure we can get you a large cash settlement."

Vladimir Putin with a Trump/Pence campaign button.

"He's been on a power trip since his fantasy stock portfolio outperformed Warren Buffett's actual portfolio."

'I'd like to apologize if my remarks have offended anybody, or if any remarks I may make in the future ever DO offend anybody.'

'We're here to nudge you into moving south.'

"I could see finding him a cool guy if I wasn't married to him."

Freak Show

'Who is John Galt?'

Yoga Trash Talk

The Blame-O-Meter

"I believe I can speak for both of us."

'Our campaign will generate a lot of hot air. Did you remember to file an environmental impact statement?'

'Do you think this apeing of the opposition will go down well in the country?'

"You're lonely and rich and I'm friendly and poor. We're a perfect match, I reckon."

BNP candidate - 'Can I rely on your not voting?'

"And best of all, it's completely waterproof!"