Mockery Aficionado T-Shirts

"Well, the president of the ethics committee is in jail and his deputy is binge drinking with three prostitutes. Do you want to leave a message?"

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"Apparently Wilbur hasn't gotten that raise. He's still hamming it up for the boss."

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

"Eeeeek!!! My okay to this one night stand must have been faked by Cambridge Analytica!!"

"Three years running 'fake news' websites? You're just what we're looking for!"

New Silk Road,

Craft gallery. Fudge Shoppe. Bike rentals. Clear-cut woods for luxury condos. The sure signs that we've arrived! Right. At our wilderness getaway! Almost a lake view. For sale.

"It was a gift from god."

"Fenwick, do you see any mistletoe on my coattail?"

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

Addicted to Oil

'Nothing much happened in the Middle East today.... Ha! -- Just kidding.'

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Goes To College

"And make sure you give me a paper straw... gotta do my bit for the planet."

I got you a 20th anniversary present. An iPhone charger? An actual, real gift? What's the catch? House of Java Cybercafe. No catch. For the last 20 years, you've been the best whipping boy I've ever had. You're a complete tool of the technology industry. You've been a real pleasure to mock. In fact, the last 20 years of making fun of your pathetic life has made this two rewarding decades. Plug back in, whipping boy! I will outlast you, smelly old bat!

Next Terrifying Military Threats

"The world isn't ready for a book like this. How would you feel about publishing it posthumously?"

Ask a Silly Question, Get A Silly Answer

"Somehow these awards are seeming less special."

Boris Hulk

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

Two Years into a Trump Presidency...

"It's gutsy and bold, and frankly, I like it. But polls indicate the market isn't quite ready for human sacrifices."

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How can I tell if my cold is really bronchitis? Stop yer sniveling. In my day, a body would hope it was bronchitis. It gave you a chance to prove your grit! Nothing like a touch of burning pain, wheezing, and crackling in the chest to separate the women from the girls. What kind of doctor are you, again?

The Prozac Story: 'It's a feel-good movie.'

'We're making the package 10% smaller.'

Doomsdayer waves sign saying 'The world isn't going to end, it's just going to suck'.

"I believe they're a debt collection agency."

'Your experience is nil, qualifications lacking, references horrible, and you fulfill MY need for job security perfectly...YOU'RE HIRED!'

"Two out of three."

If injury lawyers said what they really mean.