Mistaken Identity Humorist Gifts

"I'm Rapunzel. You want Juliet – next tower over."

'Didn't I read your last book, find it absolutely disgusting and vow never to read another, or was that someone else?'

'Looked just like a big, white bird to me, but then these ol' eyes ain't what they used to be!'

"Yup, pretty sure that was a flying squirrel."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'The results of your physical exam are fine, except for your reflexes: They're more 'dog-like' than 'cat-like'.'

'You sloth and gluttony guys have it easy -- I'm here for envy!'

Bloke orders a pizza as Jesus divides the loafs and fishes

'Boy, plastic flowers these days are so lifelike: I've been fooled again...'

'I told you you were missing a decimal point in you dynamite calculations.'

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

". . . But, hey, man, I just want to say this in all sincerity, man, that you are the greatest, man, you the el numero uno cat in my book, man you. . ."

'I'm here due to an identity theft.'

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is McWit Construction actually finished a job on time.'

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

'Hang on a minute - you're not my husband!'

"Sorry, I don't work here."

And what will it be today? The mask of comedy or tragedy?

'That filet mignon was supposed to be your last meal? Whoops-a-daisy!'

Roy felt it was important to act out any side effects that a prescription might cause.

'... and then Peter was Mr. McGregor...'

"I'm not sure how to tell you this, Glenda, but you've been sitting on a golf ball for the last three times."

'You got the wrong guy. I'm not a guru, I'm a consultant.'

"Can you hear me now?"

I like when they leave something to the imagination.

'We just need to increase our collision policy enough to cover the amount of damage to our car from Joy backing into our neighbor's car, rick.'

"Oh, and one last item, Ernie: The periodic burst of high-pitched, maniacal laughter... is that new?"

No Soliciting

'Do you ever get the feeling that these so called 'stick people' have stolen our identity?'

To: Rudy Park. From: Lemont Brown. Hey Rudy, it's me. Long time no talk. How are you these days? Lemont? From Berkeley? Tap tap tap tap. Yeah. Man … Putnam Hall 1993. Those were the days. What ever happened to our roommate Ken? Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Divided Airlines. Divided Airlines. You know, that freak who was always writing articles about "news" and junk for the school paper ... That MORON who didn't know a Gameboy from a GameGear ... That big baby whose mommy was always calling to check

An early case of identity theft

"I finally memorized my bug number."

'Hey, look!'

'It looks like another victim of Jack the Rapper, Sarge!'

"Number three. Take off the hat and sunglasses."