Mistaken Identity Humorist Gifts

"I'm Rapunzel. You want Juliet – next tower over."

'Didn't I read your last book, find it absolutely disgusting and vow never to read another, or was that someone else?'

'Looked just like a big, white bird to me, but then these ol' eyes ain't what they used to be!'

"Yup, pretty sure that was a flying squirrel."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'The results of your physical exam are fine, except for your reflexes: They're more 'dog-like' than 'cat-like'.'

'You sloth and gluttony guys have it easy -- I'm here for envy!'

Bloke orders a pizza as Jesus divides the loafs and fishes

'Boy, plastic flowers these days are so lifelike: I've been fooled again...'

'I told you you were missing a decimal point in you dynamite calculations.'

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

'I'm here due to an identity theft.'

". . . But, hey, man, I just want to say this in all sincerity, man, that you are the greatest, man, you the el numero uno cat in my book, man you. . ."

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is McWit Construction actually finished a job on time.'

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

"Sorry, I don't work here."

And what will it be today? The mask of comedy or tragedy?

'That filet mignon was supposed to be your last meal? Whoops-a-daisy!'

'Hang on a minute - you're not my husband!'

'... and then Peter was Mr. McGregor...'

"I'm not sure how to tell you this, Glenda, but you've been sitting on a golf ball for the last three times."

'You got the wrong guy. I'm not a guru, I'm a consultant.'

"Can you hear me now?"

'We just need to increase our collision policy enough to cover the amount of damage to our car from Joy backing into our neighbor's car, rick.'

"Oh, and one last item, Ernie: The periodic burst of high-pitched, maniacal laughter... is that new?"

No Soliciting

An early case of identity theft

'Do you ever get the feeling that these so called 'stick people' have stolen our identity?'

"I finally memorized my bug number."

"Weird - it must have gotten mixed in with the office supplies when I left the job."

I didn't realise you sold shoes!

Man mistakes portable table for a church confessional.

'It looks like another victim of Jack the Rapper, Sarge!'

'Hey, look!'

"Number three. Take off the hat and sunglasses."