Mischievous Mingler Pillows

"So, how long have you been old?"

"The instructions for the beer-making kit you gave me? Didn't need them -- I figured it out for myself. Drink up."

The Phantom Of The Garden

A thief steals a heart

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

"Come on dear. It's getting late, and you have to be up early to collect your pension."

"First of all, this conversation never happened."

Misery lit...

'As long as I stand here I'm safe. . . no stress. . . no pressure. . . no need to impress. . . I can just relax and be who I am. . .'

The dark secret about where the Easter Bunny gets the candy...

"Actually, I don't know anybody here. I was just passing the house when I heard all the fun."

'Surely you're not going to believe everything you see!'

'I couldn't put it down... I had peanut butter on my hands.'

Children playing in a library

Law Books

Killing Santa

'It's finished, my masterpiece - wait...'

'Cut it out!'

"It's OK, Trump will pardon me."

"I feel like Brunnhilde, but in 'The Kentucky Cycle.'"

"When I run away, put my picture on t-shirts instead of milk cartons."

"If you want soil moved around, I say why wait for erosion."

'Believe me -- you don't want to know what I did on my summer vacation.'

'A large hole has appeared in the wall of the nudist camp - Police are looking into it.'

"What have you done with her this time?"

Naughty Food

"Iron Chef, my ass!"

'There's a worm on my plate.' 'That's a sausage.'

'There's a lot of stuff in dad's wallet!...'

'I told you not to argue with the ref, Dewey.'

'Sorry God, I think you got the wrong guy, I like sex, drugs and rock and roll.'

"Airplane Mode doesn't work. I threw your phone out the window and it didn't fly."

"Son, it's about this calculator we've found in your satchel."

'Excuse me sir, have you found and contact lenses in your soup?'

"Word is he's from Earth, but too embarrassed to admit it."