Midterms Gifts

"Is this going to be on the midterm?"

Anticipating the Midterm Election Results

"What do you think of a Boehner-Netanyahu presidential ticket in 2016?"

"I tried getting good grades without studying, but it isn't working."

"How was your test?"

"His first out-of-body experience."

Cry babies.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

A midwife holding a baby

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Pregnant lady being greeted by foetus.

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"Remember, pregnancy is like taking an exciting thrill ride at an amusement park only the seats are larger."

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"I’ve settled comfortably into middle-age while Barry has settled comfortably into Middle Earth."

Pappa clown views offspring in maternity window.

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"I'd better enjoy this while I can. It's the only home I'll own without a mortgage!"

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

Coming Soon - Maternity Clinic. Coming Soon After - Law Firm Dealing in Medical Malpractice.

'I'm not too sure about that.'

The obstetrician doesn't need a close catcher...

'Grandma, does the hospital charge by the pound when people have babies?'

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

Doughboy Dad

'Do I like kids? You bet I do: I deliver babies for a living...'