Midlife Muser Pillows

'Now that I'm in midlife, I read all the food labels. I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

"It's not you, it's your hormone changes."

"We planned to go out for a birthday dinner, but he's decided he'd rather celebrate by staying home and obsessing about what he's failed to accomplish over the past forty years."

"Did you say 'trick'? Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just been one long, horrible trick."

"I thought they'd hit it off. They're all going through their mid-life crises."

'Did we ever hit menopause?'

'He used to live in the fast lane, it's more like a blind alley now.'

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

"It isn't much of a dragon, but then, she wasn't much of a maiden."

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

'Are you not thinking what I'm not thinking?'

'Or you can rent by the week...'

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

"Do you have any books on releasing the tiger within?"

You Know You're Old When...

"I don't need therapy, but I'm concerned about my avatar. He's pretty screwed up."

"Sorry, I can't - I have to be everywhere."

"The one day we decided 'To hell with hair!' "

"Some people say you can't put a price on a wife's twenty-seven years of loyalty and devotion. They're wrong."

'Yeah, I hate change, too.'

'It's called doctor-patient confidentiality. In layman's terms, you're paying me to keep my mouth shut.'

"You've got to want to connect the dots, Mr. Michaelson."

"If I didn't worry all the time what would I do with myself?"

"You've got an inferiority complex, alright, but what's worse is...it's not a very good one."

'I was happier when I was unhappy.'

"Oh, that's my cousin. I'm the Bluebird of Mid-Life Existential Despair!"

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

Analyst has an ink blot on a card for a head.

"Lactose started it, but now it's mainly me she can't tolerate. . ."

"Well, did you get motorcycle riding out of your system?"

'I don't know what's wrong with you, you seem to have celibacy on the brain!'

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I told them to pipe down."

'It's my dreams: I find them offensive.'

"It's nice, but how do you adjust the sleep number?''