Modern Life Muser Pillows

"They're crowdsourcing your session."

"I'm frustrated because I wish I were criticizing greater things."

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"It isn't much of a dragon, but then, she wasn't much of a maiden."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Did you get my tweet?"

Weird things I do because of the internet

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to immerse yourself in art for the sole purpose of killing time between meals.

"Ideas that jump from noggin when head not yet screwed on."

The Evolution Of Man.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Tunnel of TV

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"How is it gendered?"

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

"The club scene is really changing."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"Teenagers! Everyone try to look cool!"

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Hi, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water