Meticulous Master Gifts

"I wanted a Meticulous Monday or a Thorough Thursday report. This reads more like a Frivolous Friday."

'The usual ‘nod, nod, wink, wink' will do, Walter. We don't need the eyebrow twitch and nostril flares.'

I'm afraid neatness doesn't count, Mrs Wilson

My friend here is being FAR too modest! He's not just ANY bartender! Karl's the guy who invented the Fuzzy Navel!'

The original sundial.

"I see you like to let your actions do the talking."

'Watch this! Open up a straw by scrunching up its wrapper! Now put a drop of water on that wrinkly paper tube! Check it out! It wiggles and grows!'

Change of Management - Fortunes Told

'What do you mean, you've used up your advance?'

Book and magician

'Can you make this one disappear?'

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

Career coaching at a yoga studio

'Keep an eye on young Yomp, he's excellent at damning others with faint praise.'

"Nothing in my hat. Nothing up my sleeve. And as of right now, ladies and gentlemen, nothing at all left in my goddamn portfolio."

That's what I call attention to detail!

Working at a hospital

'You're the finest escape artist we've ever had.'

Tarot Lying

Man with a button on his head.

'How come Zorro's mother let him draw on walls.'

"Right, - I've released the Kraken....um...er....now how do I retrieve the Kraken...?"

'That is bothering me FAR more than it should.'

'More dirt=more bubbles!'

'I'm not untidy! I know where I have to look for the things I need! My socks are under the livingroom table, my underpants are behind the couch, the shoes are in the bathroom...'

"It's not what it looks like" - What the illusionist said when his wife walked in.

"I react mindlessly, therefore I am."

'Ahhhh...It's such a beautiful morning outside...the sun is shining...the birds are singing....'

Get Over Yourself!

Graduation Day At Telekinesis School

"You just self-deprecated yourself right out of a job."

'We're cutting staff - I'll keep your details on our file.'

"Giving up cigarettes and alcohol MIGHT make you live longer, but it will certainly feel like it!"

Happy Movember.

A man in an office has two trays, one labelled method, the other madness.