Menu Modifier Gifts

'In light of today's general moral outrage, we're taking Devil's Food Cake off the menu.'

"I'll have filet mignon, and she'll have the chef whip up something with no meat, dairy, wheat, soy or flavor."

'French onion soup. Hold the soup.'

'Do you have another menu of what I can have?'

'I wanna order an extra-large cheese pizza with no peppers, mushrooms, pepperoni, burger, onion, anchovies . . .'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Party time.

'We don't know which gate flight 311 to Denver is boarding. These are the menus.'

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

Fast Food Menu Selections

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

"Tell me what you think of the menu. I wrote it."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The secret of my success is combining eggs, meat and bread in enough ways to make an eight page breakfast menu."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

National Coffee Day

"....and hold the garlic."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

"If Sinatra had eaten here he'd have loved it."

"I''' have the misspelled 'Ceasar' salad and the improperly hyphenated veal osso-buco."

'Physical or Social Science?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"How would you like your soy protein, mixed tocopherols and methylcellulose patty?"

"Can you just recommend something? Neither of us can possibly focus long enough to read a menu."

What's the insect de jour?

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."