Memoir Magicians Gifts

My book agent, Laurie, sold my memoirs. It's a gut-wrenching tale of how I overcame the odds. It's based on actual events. Not actual events in my life. They didn't ask! The memoir mantra: Don't as, don't tell.

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

"See? And you said you couldn't work from home."

'He's trying to put some magic into my recipes.'

Desert Island BBQ

'They all laughed when I told them that I was going to marry a magician.'

"I can't believe he brought her."

Primitive magician

Tommy Cooper at the bottle bank - Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass..

"Steady. This is going to be so sweet."

Noreldo, The Mental Marvel, Reads The Mind Of His Cat, Ned:

"I just need help getting the pit out."

'The cutbacks begin to affect wizards.'

Optical Illusion Supply Company.

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, a fake knife, and a mirrored box with a secret compartment."

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

I tried working with Houdini, but he wanted me to escape from a straight-jacket before jumping out of the hat...

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

"This realm isn't big enough for both of our killer outfits."

Magicians hat being pulled out of a rabbit

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

Juggler and Illusionist

"Trust me. Don't do it."

Magic Tricks

"Nobody truly appreciates the magic that goes into a good omelet."

Magic Tricks

I'm currently working on my autobiography. Would you care to help make page 327 interesting?

Airport Security. Just pass the wand over them, Ernie. Keep your "abracadabras" to yourself.

"I've decided to add a little magic, so, everyone, say hello to my little friend."

'It's a common misconception, but it's always been three fishes.'

'I hate frisking magicians!'

'Is there such a thing as over communicating?'

"Fair's fair. I cooked the dinner, so you can clean the cauldron!"

'There are two types of alchemy - there's organic and there's inorganic.'

"And for my next trick, I will confuse general politeness for chemistry."