Medium Gifts

"Joe, is that you? Can you really hear me? What's the password for the email?"

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'My crystal ball is in the shop. Pick a fortune cookie.'

Closed for the Foreseeable Future

'So, what's for dinner ...a séance?'

"You're on mute."

True Confessions

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

'Ray, I think you may have a winning lottery ticket in the pants you were buried in...'

'Those vibes from my Aunt Matilda...could they be considered insider trading tips?'

"Oh, I'm sorry...LIE, not DIE. Someone close to you will LIE tomorrow. Darn auto correct."

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

See Your Aura $5. . .Smell Your Aura

"You will be going on a long journey..."

'Stranger?.. No, it's definitely a tall, dark strangler.'

'That's my spirit guide.'

'Hope it's legit. I never had the chance to say good riddance.'

"...The Spirits are out at the moment, but if you'd like to leave a message...."

"What can you tell me about my life?"

'Your wife says you were married for 50 years and now you want to communicate?'

S�ance "I'm through to your husbands voice-mail"

"Restless spirit, we don't know who or what you are, but thank you for your amazing Wi-Fi, and for keeping the signal strong."

Mind reading institute - 'You can say that again!'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'Is anybody there?'

"Oh hell - I'm getting a seance."

"It appears to be a group message from the other side. Do you want to Reply All?"

Communicate with the departed via the cloud.

'He'll communicate... but only by text-message.'

'Quit interrupting me. You were always doing that.'

"How would I know how long he'll be? I'm not the psychic!"

"He says he's been sending you messages from beyond the grave but it's possible they're going straight into your junk folder."

"Your wife says she doesn't want to speak to you, she wants you to get out your phone and show her funny dog videos."

"I want to contact my Arnold and see if he made it to the other side."